You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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