please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
