My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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