Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
