I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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