i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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