bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
