i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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