Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
