I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
