i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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