Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
