Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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