I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
