there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
