We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
