So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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