i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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