I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
