he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
