as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
