I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
