Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
