I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
