My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
