I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
