Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
