If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
