Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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