can we get nightvision for the apartment?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
