This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
