remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
