Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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