I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
