i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
