Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
