You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
two words: eviction party
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
