My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
