I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
