weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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