I hate your face
we have pet lesbian snakes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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