yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Everyone says I win the strip club
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
