I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
