Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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