If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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