how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
