Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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