There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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