just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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