I wanna passion pit in your ass
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
