3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
