My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
