the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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