Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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