Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
