I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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