So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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