My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
