I need to stop coming to work sober
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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