ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
